I made a post on Instagram last month about how the relationship with MY OWN body changed after pregnancy;
I really wanted to branch out on this topic but was clueless as to WHERE I could give you guys my real, honest content without Instagram/Facebook/TikTok raining on my parade! (because APPARENTLY talking about our truth as mothers is SO taboo).
SO, being the rebellious, black sheep that I am -- I created my OWN domain where we CAN talk about it all! >:)
I'LL BE GIVING YOU ALL THE DETAILS, MAMA! --
RAW, BRUTAL, REAL TRUTHS AND EXPERIENCES ABOUT WOMANHOOD, PREGNANCY, POSTPARTUM, MOTHERHOOD & MORE!!!
THE START
When Mike and I first met, I was living a completely different lifestyle... I wasn't the introverted blogger, content creator, and mother that I am today --
I was extroverted, outgoing, and sociable. I worked in bars and clubs and made my living with my "good" looks and interpersonal skills. I was very in tune with my ability to create connections easily -- it was always easy to start a conversation (especially "half-naked.")
At the time, my "sexuality" was known to me and I was able to work with it. I knew how to present myself in a way that was enticing to the opposite sex, and sometimes even the same sex! I loved taking care of myself because it was the only thing I knew how to do (well, kind of :s lol) things like getting my nails done every week, hair colour/cuts once a month, showering EVERYDAY, putting on make-up almost everyday, and putting on a put-together fit to head out ALL THE TIME was the norm for me.
We had so much freedom at the start of our relationship; we had minimal responsibilities and we had (for the most part) unlimited time to spend together. We had started out how they would say... "hot & heavy" (LOL.)
But that's how most of us start out in a new relationship, no?!
IT WAS ALL SO EASY!!
THE FIRST PREGNANCY
It wasn't too long after we started our relationship that Ryan was brought into my life (Mike's biological son with his first partner), and shortly after that we knew we wanted to start a family together. I had to have a tough conversation with my doctor around that time (WHOLE OTHER STORY HERE) and then the Pandemic had started! I remember finding out about my pregnancy during the "lock down" -- it was shocking & super exciting!
I felt GOOD during my first pregnancy! (other than the morning sickness) I was filling out a bra better than EVER, I was gaining healthy weight, my skin was glowing, and my hair was flowinnnn'. I was self conscious about fluctuating in size but it didn't have a significant impact on our "intimate life." Our relationship had maintained that "intimate connection" and if anything I felt that the whole experience overall brought us closer --
BUT, of course we had our trials and tribulations OUTSIDE the bedroom along the way!
Right before our gender reveal - PINK VS. BLUE
After Harlow was born [December 2020] there was an obvious slowdown with my libido... I just became a mom in the midst of a pandemic, I was in the process of healing downstairs, I was completely isolated with a newborn AND a 4 year old mid-winter and this was all within my FIRST year of being completely on my own (out of my parents basement.) Can you say overwhelming?!
In the New Year, restrictions started easing and we still managed to have a date night here and there with the help of the Grandparents. I truly believe that that made it MUCH easier for us to maintain our intimate relationship. I had healed *wink, wink* and was feeling pretty damn good about myself. We still had time to spend with each other during that first year after Harlow was born. It was easy to NOT be interrupted by an infant (LOL -- facts!) Ryan wouldn't usually get out of his bed without hollering for one of us first! And honestly -- I think that's how our darling Lydia was conceived unknowingly to us shortly thereafter! I never knew when or IF I had a period after having my first baby. I was breastfeeding for the first 6-8 months and went without bleeding for so long that I stopped paying attention or stopped caring, or both.
It was in the Fall of 2021 where things had started changing in our relationship... I had become more emotional and easily overwhelmed by what I'd usually consider "basic tasks" and asked Mike to take on the role of more of a Friend & Support than a Sexual Partner. We noticed some challenges coming to a head; I was noticing that my body was changing in ways I didn't like, I didn't feel well most days, I felt exhausted and emotionally distressed... Eventually I became nauseated everyday and started vomiting often.
October of 2021 is around the time Mike had come home bearing a second round of pregnancy tests. It was such a LONG, STRESSFUL few minutes in that bathroom that day let me tell you... I remember him turning the test over after the time was up and seeing his face drop, thinking he was joking -- only to have him turn the test around and show me those TWO BOLD, PINK LINES.
Mike holding a newborn Harlow
THE SECOND PREGNANCY
Our Christmas Baby Announcement!
Things were tense for a while -- I remember feeling a roller coaster of emotions after finding out I was pregnant again and so soon too. It was hard for me to come to terms with it at first. I was emotional, really stressed out and was dealing with HORRIBLE morning sickness. I felt crowded with two kids already in a two bedroom apartment, and now there were gonna be 3?! It was terrifying!! We had 9 months (LESS ACTUALLY) to find something bigger for us and our growing family...
I was around 6 months pregnant when Mike & I got a call about a 3 bedroom house, it wasn't too long after that that we had moved. Things were looking up for us and it was just in time for baby's arrival! I think we were both on CLOUD 9; we could easily envision the way our home would be with our family and it was all around just a BIG moment for us. I was eager to start setting up the nursery space in our new bedroom! We enjoyed what little time we had ALONE together which was about a month or so before our sweet daughter, Lydia was born. We welcomed Lydia in April of 2022, a month before my expected due date...
*PHEW* were we relieved to be in this house!!
It was after she was born that I noticed a massive change in myself. I could feel the depression creeping in shortly after giving birth. Due to the fact Lydia was premature, we were required to stay in the hospital for a few days. I had to stay there isolated and alone... Mike had to take care of our other two kids, the grandparents are all still working so unfortunately they weren't able to help for too long but -- the moments we had alone in that hospital with her were so precious and dear to my heart. It was a beautiful experience despite the loneliness.
I think after Lydia there was an emotional barrier broken for me; I wasn't prone to crying until I had my children! I didn't know it was possible to cry so much about... next to nothing? (HAHA, but it did NOT feel like nothing at the time!) I went through periods of extreme happiness & felt so much gratitude but I also had moments where I was sad, lonely, and just angry.
I had blinked and my ENTIRE life changed in 2 years! I went from worrying about MYSELF to worrying about a HOUSEHOLD with 3 kids... I was living in my mom's basement just a few years prior... It was a lot for a neurodiverse woman that already had issues coping with (basic) routine changes... I knew Mike could feel that tension too and I didn't cope with it well at the time. In fact, I started to repress my emotions because I was scared they weren't "normal" for a "new mom." I felt like I SHOULD be super grateful and BEAMING and for whatever reason I just wasn't this time.
Right after Lydia was born
Lydia's First Day Out
Mom & Lydia
POSTPARTUM - CURRENTLY
My beautiful daughters
I was enamoured by our newborn daughter!! Both of them were so perfect and that love really was there for them... but for some reason there was this emptiness that kept washing over me. I didn't feel fitting in motherhood after having my second daughter; I felt like I lost myself, I felt like I was drowning, I felt like I couldn't juggle it all. I resented Mike for being active & accelerating in his career when I knew I should have been happy for him. It was awful... I felt awful. I was jealous and felt like I had no sense of direction anymore.
When I kind of took a step back and realized how much my life had really changed, it was a hard pill to swallow and it was all extremely overwhelming to take in. The nights were hard, we worked in shifts to make it through the newborn phase -- and the days dragged as we struggled to get into routine with our newest addition. You get so much of the "What did you expect?" or "What did you think motherhood was?" from those you open up to and confide in... You start to doubt your own feelings, you doubt yourself, and your decisions. It leaves you feeling empty and guilty because the vision of motherhood you had wasn't THIS.
I ended up pushing Mike away out of fear he'd think I wasn't happy in this life I created with him. I turned to MY coping mechanisms (which let me just say -- were GARBAGE!) It was during this time that I started to find comfort in alcohol & drugs again... Eventually he noticed how I was dealing with things and I could see the concern building...
At first it started off as a "treat," - it was something that made me feel better about myself and my overall situation when nothing else did. But, soon after it became an addiction - an addiction to numbing my negative feelings & masking how much I was hurting inside. It was a very quick and slippery slope.
During that terrifying battle with Postpartum Depression & Addiction I had a tragic accident that changed our lives for over half a year! I was on bed rest for months, healing in bed while Michael sacrificed his sleep and sanity to take care of our 3 children AND me. It was extremely hard during that time to watch him struggle... My injuries were quite severe; I was barely able to go to the bathroom or wash myself without help from him. I truly feel like that whole experience brought us closer than EVER - we really got comfortable and learned a lot about each other along the way.
Watching him be a loving, nurturing father, on top of taking care of me & being my nurse during that stressful period was an eye-opener for me... It really shone such a beautiful light on Mike. I really realized how invested this man is in the life that we're creating together; it showed his commitment, and his STRENGTH. I'll forever hold onto that and remember that period of time and be grateful for it. He took on SO MUCH, yet still managed to get through it ALL with a smile on his face.
He was extremely loving, caring, and attentive during my recovery. I'll forever be in awe of his ability to love, support, and care for his family. I think overall this experience, though very difficult, brought so much value to our relationship and strengthened it to it's core. I've learned that no matter what life throws at us, were here to deal with it TOGETHER.
Problems are a part of life, but with the right perspective, they become opportunities to learn, grow, and love one another that much more.
Thank you so much to everyone that encouraged me to keep going and keep creating my content -- you guys helped me believe in myself enough to be here and to create this space so... ALL MY LOVE!
& til' next time!
*kiss*
To Michael:
"Thank you for being my best friend & my partner in this life. This journey were on is the BEST one yet, I LOVE creating this life with YOU! I love you with all my heart."
- your future wife
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